


cigarettes

by tototooru



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Character Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/referenced illness, Letters, M/M, Making Up, Trust Issues, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-12 23:23:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11172243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tototooru/pseuds/tototooru
Summary: cigarettes kill. but so does loving kihyun. it was just that changkyun didn't know which one was worse.– i   a m   s o r r y   i   h u r t   y o u  c o u l d   y o u   f o r g i v e   m e   ? –





	1. Chapter 1

seeing changkyun hiding from the rain under what used to be their smoking place a while ago made kihyun happy. luckily, he didn't have an umbrella and he had to wait for the rain to stop. he could use that opportunity.

he walked under the small roof, looking at changkyun who was leaning his shoulder against the wall.

"hey," kihyun said with an awkward smile. it disappointed him that changkyun didn't react in any way. he didn't seem excited nor pleased.

"hi," changkyun responded.

"do you have more cigarettes?"

changkyun just raised his left hip a bit to show him the pack of cigarettes that was peeking from his pocket.

"i thought you quit smoking," he said as kihyun took out a cigarette from the little carton box.

"i did." kihyun pressed the cigarette between his lips, leaning closer to light it on changkyun's.

even after he was done he stayed close to changkyun. way too close for the boy's liking.

yet he didn't (or couldn't) say anything. he let kihyun intrude his own "cloud of smoke".

"okay, tell me why are you here," changkyun groaned, getting fed up by the other's presence.

"i'm hiding from the rain," kihyun smiled sweetly.

"the real reason."

"i miss you."


	2. Chapter 2

changkyun's lips parted slightly as if in surprise. he couldn't quite understand why would kihyun say such thing, such a lie. he wasn't the type to do it.

"you miss me?" he repeated, bringing his cigarette back to his lips, still not very impressed by kihyun's presence.

as kihyun sighed, smoke escaped his mouth. he grabbed changkyun's hand with his free one, looking at the boy in the eyes.

usually when one looked into someone's eyes, it was normal for them to at least catch some glimpse of emotion.

it was different with kihyun. it was like staring at glass. cold. expressionless. and changkyun never really believed he had emotions nor a soul.

"yes. i miss you. i can't stand looking at you from afar, knowing that you are not mine anymore."

his face made him look way too vulnerable. way too innocent. and changkyun hated it. he hated believing that kihyun was like that because it was all a lie. he was way too good at pretending.

from the experience he had with kihyun he knew that in the end he only suffered. and if he gave in this time, too, it was going to happen again.

_he didn't want this._

"i miss you, too."

_he hated it._

"can we fix everything and go back?"

_he shouldn't be believing_ _kihyun._

"we can."

 _he was going to end up being hurt again_.


	3. Chapter 3

kihyun walked over to changkyun, who was with his back against him. he wrapped his arms around the boy's torso, gently resting his head on his back with his eyes closed, feeling how changkyun jumped up a bit.

"kihyun..." changkyun breathed out as he easily recognized the other's hands. "you shouldn't be here."

"why?"

"i don't want you around me when we are at school." his voice was indifferent. it was so easy acting that he didn't love kihyun. made kihyun feel like he never did.

the shorter moved in front of changkyun, looking him in the eyes. "why are you acting so cold?" he sulked.

"you don't deserve anything else," changkyun bit out.

kihyun looked down at his hands that were placed on changkyun's chest. the edges of his mouth were curved downwards. he hugged changkyun again, burying his face against the crook of his neck.

he was really close to crying but if changkyun had never seen him cry, he was _not_ going to see him doing it this time, too. he didn't want to come off as weak.

didn't changkyun forgive kihyun just a day ago? why was he still so irritated? and so different...

"i'm sorry," he whispered against the younger's neck.

"i told you to go away."

and kihyun did.

he slowly pulled away, making a few steps back. "we will meet at our place in the lunch break, right?"

"sure."


	4. Chapter 4

changkyun was standing under the small rooftop, waiting for kihyun. the boy was usually really punctual so changkyun wondered why was he late.

soon he saw the pink haired boy running towards him. he tried suppressing his smile but he really couldn't.

when kihyun stopped in front of changkyun, he needed a moment or two to catch his breath. then he looked up.

"i'm sorry i'm late," he said, still out of breath.

"are you okay?" changkyun asked with a concerned tone as kihyun started coughing. he placed a hand on the boy's back, bringing him closer to himself.

"yeah," kihyun said after, what he thought would be, one last cough. by a habit, his hand trailed down to changkyun's pocket, taking out a cigarette and the lighter that he had put in the box.

while lighting it he was interrupt by another series of coughing that were only getting heavier.

the dark haired male was quick to take the cigarette and the lighter from his hand. kihyun tried taking them back but he was stopped.

"you won't smoke if you're coughing like that," he said, shoving the items in his pocket, not caring if the cigarette got bent. he grabbed kihyun's hand, interlacing their fingers.

"i don't have a reason to stay here then," kihyun mumbled.

"i am your reason."


	5. Chapter 5

the sound of the tv was occasionally interrupting the silence but it didn't really bother the two boys.

they were lying on the couch. kihyun was cuddled up in changkyun, his face buried in the younger's chest.

changkyun was playing with a strand of kihyun's, already fading, pink hair.

"why are you pushing me away in school?" kihyun mumbled out. "yet you are acting like this when it is just the two of us..."

"because i hate the fact that i let myself be with you again," changkyun answered, not thinking much. "i don't want anyone else to know."

"you hate it?"

kihyun felt a lump forming in his throat. he found himself so weak now that he knew what changkyun truly felt.

"yes. because i know i will get hurt again."

he knew he hurt changkyun. many times.

but he had no idea that he had caused so much damage. enough damage for changkyun to be ashamed of himself for being with kihyun.

the older dragged himself slightly up so he was at the same eye level with changkyun. he lifted his head up, looking at the other.

"changkyun," he said quietly, his voice barely coming out.

"hm?"

"i love you."

"you... you've never said that before." the younger was a bit taken aback. he didn't believe that he would ever hear those words coming from kihyun's mouth. and his voice made it sound so sweet. "i love you, too," he stuttered.

kihyun smiled warmly.

 _do you really?,_ he thought.


	6. Chapter 6

kihyun's coughing had gotten worse as days passed.

changkyun wasn't letting him smoke but the pink haired male somehow managed to steal a cigarette or two from time to time.

"why don't you go see a doctor instead?" changkyun asked, stopping kihyun from taking a cigarette for probably the millionth time for the day.

"i did," kihyun shrugged lightly. "you don't need to pretend you are worried, i will be fine soon."

changkyun wrapped his arms around kihyun's waist, gently pecking him on the lips. "i am not pretending," he whispered against the older's lips. "i really care, ki."

he only received a smile from the other. as if he didn't believe him. but it wasn't a problem. changkyun had proven himself plenty of times.

it was kihyun who lied most of the time so he probably had no right to not believe changkyun.

kihyun hugged changkyun, kissing him. he couldn't ignore the bitter taste of cigarettes, staining changkyun's, oh, so beautiful lips, but he guessed it was what made kissing him feel even better.

"changkyun, i want you to remember that i love you," he said after pulling away. "and that i will love you no matter what happens."

"why are you telling me that?" the dark haired boy raised an eyebrow.

"i just thought you need such reminders from time to time," kihyun smiled warmly before kissing changkyun again.


	7. Chapter 7

"kihyun, please, open the door," changkyun cried, hitting on the cold metal with his palm. he was almost sure that kihyun was somewhere behind it.

his hands clenched in fists. he felt how he was getting weaker, knowing he couldn't do anything else but just stand there and wait for kihyun to open.

suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, followed by a sweet voice asking "kyun, what are you doing here?"

when changkyun turned around and saw kihyun, his face lit up. he hugged the shorter tightly.

"changkyun, what happened?" kihyun giggled because of how cute changkyun looked when he saw him. "why are you crying?"

"i'm so glad you're here," the younger managed to say. kihyun was extremely confused.

he unlocked and the two walked into the small apartment. kihyun left the plastic bag that he was holding on the kitchen table.

"what's that?" changkyun asked with a sniffle, pointing at the bag.

"i had to go and buy some medicine for the coughing," kihyun smiled.

"is it getting worse again?"

"nah, the doctor said it's going to be okay soon."

after finally sitting down, kihyun could ask changkyun. "why were you crying?"

"almost everyone at school is talking about how you're not coming because you are depressed and some even said that you are going to kill yourself."

kihyun wanted to make that seem like a joke for him and convince changkyun that he didn't care about it but he got a bit upset.

"i'm not going anywhere, baby," he assured, brushing his thumb against changkyun's cheek.

the younger pulled him into a hug. "i love you so much."

"i love you, too."


	8. Chapter 8

the younger plopped his back down on the bed, exhaling sharply. he closed his eyes, trying to put his mind to rest for a moment. he felt like his head was going to explode any moment.

he felt warm fingers wandering over his bare chest. soon they were replaced by a pair of soft lips that started kissing on the flesh all the way up to his jawline.

kihyun's fingers trailed down to changkyun's waist as he continued kissing him.

"you are so perfect, changkyun," kihyun whispered against the other's skin.

"don't say it now," changkyun murmured, putting his arm over his face to hide the obvious blush that was spreading to his cheeks. "it's embarrassing."

"you would be embarrassed no matter when i say it," kihyun grinned.

"yeah, but... it's more awkward now... you wouldn't understand..."

the other just hummed, continuing what he was previously doing.

"it's so weird... the more i look at you the better i realize that i love every single thing about you. and there's not a single thing i don't." the older was still speaking quietly. he secretly hoped he wasn't interrupted by a cough as it had happened so many times.

"but do you know what i love the most about you?" he asked, looking at changkyun in the eyes with a really serious expression.

"what?"

"you."


	9. Chapter 9

one of the things changkyun hated the most was seeing kihyun with someone else. just him simply hanging out with anyone made him feel so upset and angry. because he knew the type of a person kihyun was.

he had cheated on him so many times and all changkyun could do most times was keep quiet about it.

kihyun was currently in the arms of a person changkyun disliked a lot. not only because he was jealous but that was the same person kihyun cheated on changkyun with most times. his name was minhyuk and he was in the same class with kihyun.

the pink haired male had his arms wrapped around minhyuk's neck. they were just casually talking and laughing together while changkyun was sitting just a few meters away from them.

"will i see you any time soon?" minhyuk asked.

"yeah," kihyun answered after turning his head away, the conversation interrupted by his annoying coughing. he was so tired of it. "but for now i want to spend more time with changkyun."

suddenly minhyuk leaned closed, whispering "does he know?" into kihyun's ear. the other shook his head.

minhyuk just patted him lightly on the thigh and made him go to changkyun.

"bye, kihyun," minhyuk said sweetly.

"bye," kihyun waved at the other as he was walking to changkyun.

he was met by a glare but he could only smile because even when changkyun was angry he was so cute. "what's wrong, babe?"

"you know how much i hate it when you are looking at others the way you look at me," changkyun mumbled out as the started heading outside.

"i have eyes only for you."

changkyun was quickly convinced that kihyun hadn't changed. he had never stopped lying to him. yet he kept quiet again.


	10. Chapter 10

kihyun felt the air escape his lugs as his body was slammed against a wall.

he looked up and all he could see in changkyun's eyes was anger.

he could barely catch his breath before the younger hit the wall really close to his face, making him even more scared.

"you have no right to play with my feelings like that," he muttered, leaning closer to kihyun.

"changkyun, i'm not," kihyun cried out, trying to defend himself from the other. he grabbed changkyun's shoulders firmly. tears that he couldn't hold in anymore were rolling down his cheeks as he looked changkyun in the eyes. "why can't you understand that i love you?!"

"because i have suffered enough from your so called love," changkyun yelled. "you can't just change and pretend nothing happened. and then you go back to minhyuk and just prove how big of a liar you are."

"you were the one who said we could go back and fix everything," kihyun choked on his tears. "i haven't had anything with minhyuk. you are the only one i want to be with, i swear..."

the pink haired male slowly slumped down on the ground, bringing his knees to his face. he put his arms over his head, crying even louder now.

"i can't look at you without thinking about what you did to me. i can't erase those memories and the fact i always feel like you are going to hurt me any moment. i can't believe you that you've changed just because of how well i know you. you can't change. and i can't live with that." changkyun was looking down at the crying boy, nothing but indifferent to his pain and tears. "and i can't live with you around me either."

with those words he left.


	11. Chapter 11

**_dear changkyun,_ **

_don't worry, soon you won't have to live around me anymore_. _or i won't have to live around you more like, haha._

_i_ _guess that saying goodbye now is going to be much easier because i never really had the heart to face you and tell you i don't have long_ _left_ _._ _just a month or two, i guess._

_it was pretty hard for me. you know, grasping the concept that i am going to die much sooner than i expected. i hope it's good news for you, though._

_but i am not writing this to rant. i just want you to know..._

_i am sorry for absolutely everything you had to go through because of me. and i am sorry that i hurt you._ _i am sorry that i hurt you enough for you to start hating me and to not be able to look at me._ _i am sorry for all the times i have cheated on you and betrayed you. and that i always make you sad._

_but, listen... even if you don't believe me,_ _i_ _love you. i always have._ _i am sorry for not showing it when i had to._

_i actually_ _came back to you exactly for that reason - to finally show you just how much i love you, though you still didn't believe it was real. i am not blaming you. it was just a dying boy's_ _last_ _wish, i guess. i wanted you to feel loved and i did all i could._

_i really hope that you would come to my grave some day, telling me how you have found someone who is treating you better than i_ _was_ _._

_but until that time comes..._

_could you at least forgive me?_   
  
  


_p.s don't be mad at me but i asked minhyuk to take care of you since i won't be able to do it for a really long time._

**-** **kihyun**


	12. Chapter 12

_i do forgive you._   
_but the question is... will_ _**you** _ _ever be able to forgive me?_

\--

by the time changkyun finally had the guts to open the letter, kihyun was gone. it had been months. and if it wasn't minhyuk who noticed the unopened envelope on his nightstand, he wouldn't have opened it the next few years probably.

he felt so guilty. it was already hard enough to forgive himself that the last time he saw kihyun he was yelling at him and made him cry. now that he knew he would never even have the chance to go to him and apologize... that thought was killing him.

he had to realize things sooner - that kihyun was sick and that it was something way more serious than just cold. and that all he ever wanted was to apologize, to show him that what he felt was nothing but love.

if he had any idea that kihyun was sick he was going to make his last days the best days of his life.

he had to do it even if kihyun wasn't sick or dying. he was supposed to take care of him. yet he didn't.

he held the letter close to his heart, remembering how often had kihyun started telling him he loved him. how affectionate he had gotten.

but only now changkyun believed it was real. when it was way too late. he couldn't " _go back and fix everything_ " anymore.

he didn't even care about all those things kihyun did to him. they didn't matter anymore. all he wanted was kihyun to be back in his arms.

no matter how much he thought about it, one thing was for sure. after all he went through he already knew:

loving kihyun hurt more.

it was worse than any other pain changkyun had ever felt. it was a worse addiction than any other. and changkyun would never be able to let go of it.

\--

_"he didn't stop talking about you during his last few days."_

_"what was he saying?"._

_"how much he loves you and wishes you were_ _there_ _."_


	13. Chapter 13

 

**ALT ENDING**

 

changkyun woke up, covered in a layer of sweat. he was breathing heavily, not sure what was happening. his head hurt a lot, there were tears streaming down his eyes.

he slowly started remembering the nightmare he had which explained why was he crying.

as he tried calming down, he felt something heavy on top of himself.

he looked closely and realized it was kihyun.

the first rays that were appearing above the horizon and managed to escape through the curtains were reflecting on his sleeping face.

"kihyun," changkyun whispered, cupping the boy's cheeks.

a frown appeared on kihyun's face as he was being brought to consciousness. he opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was changkyun on the verge of tears.

"baby, what's wrong?" he asked, his eyebrows curling upwards in worry.

"i had a nightmare," the younger explained. kihyun just nodded his head as a gesture for him to keep talking. "it all started with you and minhyuk being together at school. and i was just sitting aside..." changkyun continued talking about his nightmare and it was so detailed that for a second even kihyun believed that it was real and he actually died.

by the time changkyun finished talking, he was crying hard, his face buried in kihyun's shirt. kihyun couldn't even calm him down anymore, he was just hugging him tight.

"changkyun, i'm not dead," the pink haired male whispered, combing his fingers through changkyun's hair. "i'm here, right? i told you i'm not going anywhere. and i will never leave you, okay?"

changkyun lifted his head up, looking at kihyun with a pout. "kihyun, i love you so much."

"i love you even more," kihyun giggled, kissing changkyun softly. "and no one will ever be able to replace you even if you doubt it. just remember that. i don't need anyone but you."

finally, a smile appeared on changkyun's face.

"let's go smoke so you can calm down a bit," kihyun suggested, knowing it was what changkyun always did when he wanted to calm down his nerves.

"okay, but i'm not letting you smoke."

"oh, come on..."

"i can't lose you a second time."

after they lifted themselves up from bed, kihyun wrapped his arms around the younger's neck with a smile. "don't think you will get rid of me so easily."


End file.
